Creating brave spaces in sharing circles

In talking circles our intention is often to create a space where talking and deep listening can occur.   Where participants have the opportunity to share stories and feelings that wouldn’t usually be shared in other spaces.  In order to do that we may feel drawn to creating guidelines that help create a space that feels safe for all participants. Here are a few examples of guidelines that could help keep the confidentiality of a circle:

• What is said in circle stays in circle.

• No interruptions: one person speaks at a time.

• The circle will start at HH:MM. No admittance to circle after this time (if a hard start is appropriate to your demographic).

Creating guidelines with others who will be attending can be a good way to create a feeling of safety.

Who is coming to your talking circle and what can you do to help them feel brave?

It is helpful to look at who is coming to your circle and then you will be more able to address their needs.

To illustrate this, we give an example of a menopause circle to get you thinking about your demographic who might be similar or completely different.

Example of a Menopause Circle

In this circle you might imagine women attending between the ages of 40-60.  You may choose to run this circle in your local community.  Then you may wish to delve deeper to look at people within that demographic who may not feel comfortable:

• Women experiencing menopause symptoms that cause them to feel a high level of social anxiety

• People who do not identify as female who are experiencing menopause symptoms

• Someone who has experienced early menopause due to a specific medical condition

• A person with physical limitations that may make it difficult for them to get to and from a venue

• Someone from a specific demographic that may be under-represented in the group

Can you accommodate the needs of these different groups into your circle? 

It may be possible to find ways to help people who are part of your community to feel more comfortable about attending your circle if you can address their specific needs.  This may mean working with a colleague who has more experience of that difference and know more people within that demographic. 

Is there a time when you have been the only person in a group with your difference? Maybe the only woman in a group of men or the only person under 30 in a group of 50+ people?  How did it make you feel?  How might you have felt if there were 3 or more people who were from your demographic with you?  Finding ways to encourage people to bring along friends to your circle may help increase diversity.

You may not be able to affect the makeup of your circle because you are running it within an organisation or school with limitations on diversity.  What could you do to help someone in that group who does have a difference feel more comfortable?

We cannot guarantee safety but we can create a space where we have thought about what might make someone feel uncomfortable and taken action to do what we can to help.

Thinking about the location of a conversation circle

If we are inviting people to share personal feelings in a circle where we run the circle is important.  Is it possible to be overheard in the space and are there likely to be interruptions?   Not all circles are in spaces that enable them to be confidential.  If you are choosing to create a space where participants will wish to share freely it is important that to the best of your ability you can ensure you have guidelines in place around deep listening and that you have let participants know that arriving in good time is important.

We cannot guarantee someone feels safe in circle.   A person will come to circle with their own challenges and we cannot know exactly what might cause them to feel unsafe.  What we can do is create an environment where we have thought about safety and they will feel braver about sharing.  A clean, clear space where the comfort of all attending has been thought about.  For example, are you expecting people to sit on the ground on cushions or are there suitable chairs for everyone?

Sometimes what is necessary in order for a participant to feel able to share their experience is a niche circle that has been created specifically for that need.  You may have topics that you do not feel safe sharing in a broader group and that might be the seed of the circle you will create. 

Know that the first time someone attends a circle they may well feel vulnerable, uncomfortable and a little unsafe.

When I have felt unsafe in circle

I (Julia) have nearly attended a circle before and because of my personal feeling of discomfort not decided to stay.  When I go back to that time and remember what it was that made me feel unsafe there were a variety of factors that caused me to reconsider - and I so nearly made it!  I had decided to attend without having met the organisers and I didn’t know any of the other people who were attending. 

It was a reasonably last-minute decision to attend. I had made no financial commitment so wasn’t wasting money by not attending.  The circle was about something that I didn’t feel totally comfortable with - I felt out of place.  It was a circle that began with a soft start - drinks and nibbles were offered to give people the opportunity to chat and mingle before the start of the event.  When I stepped into the room quietly I didn’t see anyone I knew and I felt slightly out of step with the demographic.  Most of the people I saw as I looked around were older than me. It was quite a large group, so it felt a bit overwhelming.  My nervous system didn’t feel ready for the interaction.  When I look back at what prevented me from staying it actually says more about me than the organisers of the circle.

What would have made me feel safer, more able to attend the circle?

If I had a conversation before the circle with the organiser, maybe there could have been a couple of people at the door there to greet me, perhaps I could have found someone who had attended before to come along with me.  Maybe I just didn’t feel resilient enough to be brave enough to stay.  Had I stayed I may have had a great time - I will never know because I wasn’t brave enough.  Was it the responsibility of the circle holders to ensure I felt safe enough to attend?  The facilitator doesn’t have total responsibility for this, but there are steps they can take to make it more likely someone steps over the threshold and stays. It is much more likely that I would have stayed with two factors.  If I had:

• Known and felt comfortable with the organisers of the circle

• Come along with a friend

I don’t think my feelings were unusual and as a circle holder you can look out for new people and see what you can do to help them feel secure.  The welcome is so important.  Meeting someone at the door with a kind word and a welcome. Introducing them to someone who is experienced in the circle and inviting them to be with them for their first experience.

When we are looking to create a safe space - we may be more able to create a space where someone can feel brave enough.  Maybe there are times when you have decided not to do something because you have not felt sufficiently brave.  What might you have needed to help you take that first step?  What helped you be brave enough to attend your first circle?

When we create circle it is really worthwhile thinking about who we might be excluding unintentionally.  We then need to look at our own skill set and whether we are able to hold space for a more varied group than may originally have chosen to attend.  Although we cannot guarantee safety we can take simple steps to help our spaces feel safer and the people attending braver. 

We hold a free mini training “Safe Space/Brave Space” regularly and you can find details of how to book on our resources page.